Fragile me

Dear Journal,

Jenilo called last Saturday morning asking me if I could look on some resorts.
I asked him what its for. He answered that he just wants to spend some time with me.
Then he brought up the marriage topic. Asking me not to worry because he will marry me. (But he didn't say when). He also asked if a civil wedding is ok because he still has a lot of things to prepare.

He was giving me some hope. But here I am fragile and afraid to be hurt again as flashes of memories from the last time he proposed haunt me. I was still wishful so I browsed through different wedding sites. Then I realized what if he changes his mind again like before. So I just stopped my search but still saved the files.

December is four months away but is fast approaching. Part of me want to see him but I am scared. I am afraid to hope again and be hurt in the end. This is why as much as possible I push the thought away.

Before I wanted to get married so badly. But why do I feel scared for December to come.
Maybe its because December will determine if its good to stay or move on.

But for the meantime, I have to live from September to November. Let December handle herself. I lift everything to God’s hands. He knows what’s best for me. He knows the desires of my heart.

I have heard news from my uncle that my boyfriend’s grandmother is in Caloocan on one of his Uncle’s place. With her is my bf’s brother. Just a thought flashed, maybe his brother is applying for a job now. Its good but still I wish they could like me like their own daughter. Despite the differences we have. I just wish to have an in law relationship like Ruth and Noemi.

Lets hope for the best

Regards,
Emely